Capacity 

There’s this thing in life and work and the universe where we have limits, we have a “zone of proximal development”, we have an x amount of capacity for our time, emotions, workload, threshold for bullshit. It evolves and changes by the hour, day, year. 

When I was in my first year teaching, my emotional capacity resembled a Miller Lite bottle thrown out a car window on a freeway. Meant-to-be-full, insides spewed everywhere, sprayed in an irretrievable way, shattered container. No room for additional comprehension of fucking any emotion ever. 

Right now, my capacity for anything is more like a sturdy backpack with a loose paper or two inside, maybe a family photo. I feel wide open, I feel capable, I feel constructed to carry things, I feel u have zippers and buttons closing pockets of varying sizes: I know I can handle this much relationship drama, this much time for exercise, this much at work. But right now, y’all, so so open. 

It’s exciting, and driving me completely up the wall. I feel like I’m practicing setting assignments for each pocket: for two weeks I filled one with daily runs; for three weeks it was tinder dates that run until 1:30am; this week I tried out a GRE practice… all the while screaming WHERE DO THINGS FIT HOW WILL I ORGANIZE?!

I’ve been here one month and six days. Today I got my first paycheck (hallelujah). I’ve found healthy things and unhealthy things, I know my neighborhood, I am finished with on boarding at DPS , the inertia is starting to wear off and I now get to decide, DECIDE, where my energies will go. 

This is like completing a puzzle that hasn’t photo (pure cardboard, here), no side pieces, and no box with a model of what this should look like. 

Writing this is helpful. Maybe I do have side pieces (a job, a dog); maybe I do have a moderately blurry pictures (I want to be healthy, I want to keep my morals and values, I want to use my skills and strengths for the good of others). 

This post/ time in life instead, then, is also a call for… not advice, really, but for ideas. With 13 months left in Denver: what to prioritize and when? My gut thinks I need a calendar with a map of goals: running schedule, non-profit volunteer opportunities, GRE practice goals. Did I just answer my own question?

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